Wednesday, 31 May 2017


I feel like a am writing my memoirs or more apropraitely a soap opera, as that is how my life feels at the minute.
After I found out I was pregnant and that everything was fine and I had this lovely picture of my baby, I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. My dreams of finally having a family with Daniel were coming true. I rang my parents, my best friends and skipped into to work showing all my colleagues my cute little bean. I lived in this happy bubble for the next 3 weeks, I went on holiday with my parents, I even got made redundant from work, but I didn't mind because I had my little bean to focus on now. 
Thursday 20th April, I woke up feeling a bit rubbish but didn't think too much of it, as I work in a school I often pick up coughs and colds, also morning sickness was starting to kick in.
About 11am I went to the toilet and as I wiped I noticed a light red staining on the tissue, and instantly my gut churned. I knew something was wrong. I tried to stay calm and carry on at work until I got home but by lunchtime, it was really getting to me. I left work and rang the Doctors as soon as I got home and they said to rest up and wait until my midwife appointment the next day. 
I had some mild cramping that night but the bleeding did not get any worse. 
I did the worst thing anyone can do in this situation, I looked to Google for answers. 
Unsurprisingly I didn't get any comfort, there were people saying that bleedings definitely not good, its a miscarriages, to I had bleeding all the way through my pregnancy and my baby is fine. 
The next morning finally came, I went to see my midwife, and cried my heart out telling her everything from being told I may have miscarried at the start, to being told it could be an ectopic pregnancy, then finding out everything was ok and now this bleeding. She was very kind, gave me a tissue and rang the Early pregnancy unit straight away, but the only appointment they had was the following Wednesday. 
I had to wait 5 whole days to find out my fate. 
She advised me to go home and rest, and if the bleeding and pains got a lot worse then go straight to the Emergency department. 
Well that night they did get worse, the bleeding got heavier and the cramps came on full force. I felt like my heart was breaking, as I didn't need to scan to tell me what was going on, I already knew. 
Wednesday morning came and me and Daniel went to the appointment already knowing the verdict. My only hope was that my body was doing what it needed to and that it would be over quickly.
However, that wasn't to be, the worst outcome had come true. My baby had stopped growing shortly after my early scan, so around the 6 week stage, but unfortunately, although I was bleeding my body wasn't flushing everything out like it should have. 
I was then faced with the decisions of what to do next. 
I think by this stage I was so deflated, and had completely run out of emotions, I was a little like a zombie or a robot. The nurse was going through all the different options I had, but all I wanted was it out of me and it all to be over with. 
I was booked in the next day for a procedure to remove the remains from my Uterus. I was scared to be put to sleep but I just knew I couldn't go on knowing that my baby was dead inside me. I had to draw a line under everything, have a finalè and move on. 
I had my D&C on Friday 21st April, everything went according to plan, so I was told as I was coming too. Physically the recovery was quick and the staff were very kind and sympathetic, and supplied me with lots of tea and toast. 

I am now 5 weeks post miscarriage, waiting for my first period to come, so I can start the whole process of trying to conceive all over again.
The past 5 weeks have been hard, two weeks after the procedure was my 30th birthday, which should have been a big day, as I was booked in for my 12 weeks scan, but instead I had a quite day at home with my family. 
I am trying to stay positive, as I did fall pregnant so, am hopeful I can again, but I am still sad about our loss. There is definitely an empty feeling in my heart but I am learning to live with it, and finger crossed we will some day get the family we want.

As always thank you for reading, 

Victoria x

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